Marbella to Humour Sherlock and Watson

A Quick Drink at Lunch. From Daveodog.    

The Parrot and Magician. From Kiwi Mark.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other hatefully but didn't utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said:
"OK. I give up. What did you do with the boat?"


Holy Golf. From Ross.
Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf in Marbella one day when they came to the water trap on the 10th, a particularly difficult hole.
Moses tees off and drove a long one. The ball heads toward the pond. Quickly, Moses raises his club, the water parts and the ball rolls to the other side and onto the green, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus walks up to the tee and hits a beauty, directly over the same water trap. It lands right in the centre of the pond and hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on to the pond and chips the ball perfectly onto the green.
Then, the third person of the threesome gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree then lands onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and skips over the water and onto a lily pad where it comes quietly to rest. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog croaks with fright and drops the ball, which bounces onto the green and rolls on for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, "Do you think your Dad would teach me that shot?"


How to impress a woman: Again from Daveodog.
Compliment her.
Respect her.
Honour her.
Cuddle her.
Kiss her.
Caress her.
Loveher.
Stroke her.
Tease her.
Please her.
Comfort her.
Protect her.
Hug her.
Hold her.
Spend money on her.
Wine and dine her.
Buy things for her.
Listen to her.
Care for her.
Stand by her.
Support her.
Hold her.
Go to the ends of the Earth for her.

How to impress a man:
Show up naked.
Bring food.
Why Women Don't Bungie Jump. From Colin   

Phenomenal. From Sue.
To all the "phenomenal" women:

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is everything!  Send this to other phenomenal women today!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: FROM GER.
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL Stimulation.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED  COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She's just VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW  TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INSERTION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY  CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT

Send your virtual postcard, Click here. Sorry, your browser doesn't support Java(tm).

Employee Statistics. From Boat Ian.
Do you ever complain about your colleagues/fellow employees? Can you imagine working at the following Company?  It has a little over 500 employees with the following Statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse.
7 have been arrested for fraud.
19 have been accused of writing bad checks.
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses.
3 have been arrested for assault.
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges.
8 have been arrested for shoplifting.
21 are current defendants in lawsuits.
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Can you guess which organization this is?  Give Up?
The 535 members of the United State Congress.


The Game. From Red Pepps.
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 pm and asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
"Did John give you $100?"
She thought 'Oh hell, he knows!' she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," said Bill, "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."


Thoughts of the Day. From Tall Paul.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on a clock called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Cultures of the World. From Yug.

Americans.
John Cleese of Monty Python fame was asked the difference between British people and American people. He answered:
1. We speak English and they don’t.
2. When we have a World Championship, we invite teams from other countries.
3. Our ruler only requires our citizens to get down on one knee.

Swiss.
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says,
"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Japanese.
An exhausted businessman stopped in a Tokyo bar for a drink.
"Speak English?" he asked the bartender.
"Yes, sir."
"Great. I'd like a Stoli with a twist." The bartender looked at him for a moment, then leaned over the bar and said,
"OK, once upon a time there were four little pigs..."

English.
Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English.
An office supervisor called his secretary to give her the bad news that she was being fired.
"Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.

Canadians
All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists.
Yes, they're ALL TRUE. Heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!
1. How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
3. Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh".
4. Are the bears with collars tame?
5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
7. Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
9. Are there birds in Canada?
10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
15. Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
16. How far is Banff from Canada?
17. What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
18. Do they search you at the B.C. border?
19. When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
21. Are there phones in Banff?
22. So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
23. We're on the decibel system you know.
24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
25. Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
26. Don't you Canadians know anything?
27. Where do you put the animals at night?
28. Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom".
Tourist: "Oh!"


KIDS BOOKS THAT NEVER HIT THE STORES. FROM NIGEL.
1. You are different, and that's bad.
2. The boy who died from eating all his vegetables.
3. Dad's new wife, Robert.
4. Fun four-letter words to know and share.
5. Hammer's, scissors and screwdrivers: An I can-do book.
6. The kids guide to hitchhiking.
7. Kathy was so bad, her mom stopped loving her.
8. Curious George and the high voltage fence.
9. All cats go to hell.
10. The little cissy who snitched.
11. Some kittens can fly.
12. That's it; I'm putting you up for adoption.
13. Grandpa gets a casket.
14. The magic world inside the abandoned refrigerator.
15. Garfield gets feline leukemia.
16. The pop-up book of human anatomy.
17. Strangers have the best candy.
18. Whirling, crying and kicking to get your way.
19. You were an accident.
20. Things rich kids have, but you never will.
21. POP! goes the hamster, and other great microwave games.
22. The man in the moon is actually Satan.
23. Your nightmares are real.
24. Where would you like to be buried?
25. Eggs, toilet paper and your school.
26. Why can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical outlet be friends?
27. Places where mommy and daddy hide neat things.
28. Daddy drinks because you cry.


Signs that Your Getting OLD. From BCS Gregg.
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS. Sorry, your browser doesn't support Java(tm).
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list.

Joy to those who find fun and hope for those who don't.